Giving and receiving feedback: what to pay attention to

More complex than it seems

It’s 5 p.m. on Friday afternoon. With a sigh of relief, Lidia clicks her laptop shut. This afternoon, she finally plucked up the courage to ask Kay to deliver the monthly figures earlier from now on so that she doesn’t keep getting caught for time with her work. Kay was blindsided and agreed, but is heading into the weekend with a knot in her stomach. Lidia has no idea what is going on: Kay has a lot to do, is dependent on another colleague and prefers not to share information that has not yet been worked out perfectly. Yet Kay expressed none of these concerns as Lidia is the supervisor. You can’t just say ‘no’, right?

This situation shows how feedback in practice is often more complex than it seems. It causes problems quite often, as Caro Struijke and Griet Coupé observe. “Many people keep quiet when something is bothering them,” remarks Griet. “This seems like the easiest option, but actually it means that things remain unresolved. As a result, the emotion builds and something small can lead to a nasty outburst.” Caro: “Another risk is that people talk to others about it behind someone’s back. For example, during my PhD, a supervisor gave a very glowing speech about a fellow PhD candidate. Afterwards, he said to me that he didn’t actually like the study at all, even though she had no knowledge of this. That kind of thing makes you feel uncomfortable and even insecure. I immediately wondered: Does he think I’m good enough then? Can I even trust him?”

Speaking up and opening up

Griet: “When those giving feedback speak up and those receiving it are open to feedback, this creates a nicer atmosphere in which everyone knows where they stand. Good feedback skills make every interaction easier, whether that’s at work or at the tennis club. It’s a skill that benefits you in any relationship.”

But just speaking up isn’t enough. “It’s important to have a genuine conversation,” explains Caro. “Instead of one person just talking away, it is better to look for a solution together. That is exactly what you will learn in our workshop on Giving and receiving feedback: opening yourself up to the other person’s perspective.” Griet: “There is no simple roadmap for that, although it is sometimes taught that there is. A standard opening like ‘Do you have a moment? There’s something I want to discuss with you’, for example, immediately creates a certain pressure. For constructive feedback, it is important that both parties engage in conversation on an equal footing by being truly open to what the other person has to say. And yes, this can even be achieved in writing!”Points for attention

There are several factors to consider for properly engaging in this kind of dialogue. Griet: “A common pitfall is to assume that the other person is the same as you. It may be that you like very direct feedback, while someone else finds it inappropriate. It’s good to be aware of that so that you can adjust the feedback styles to suit each other.” “Context is also important,” adds Caro. “Is there a hierarchical relationship? How well do you know each other?”

Leaving both parties feeling good

Exchanging feedback in the form of a dialogue means you have autonomy as the recipient too. “People often overlook that,” says Caro. “It is normal, of course, that receiving feedback triggers an emotion in you. But you can learn to take it less personally and to see it as something positive rather than as a threat. We also pay attention to that in the workshop. The basic principle is that both parties should be left feeling good about it.” Griet: “A healthy, open feedback culture contributes to more trust between you and a secure atmosphere.”

Want to get started on improving your feedback skills? Check out our workshop on Giving and receiving feedback.