Don’t be an Ostrich, Face your Fears!

Reflect on your successes

One of my students is on the verge of dropping a course every study period. She is afraid she won't be able to pass it, which causes enormous stress. And then…she passes her exam with high grades. So her expectation does not match the reality at all. Next period, exactly the same thing happens. Stress, high expectations, fear of failure, decision anxiety. I asked her to look back and reflect on her results, and suddenly the penny dropped. She is so focused on the future - in which she sees (virtual) fires everywhere, and imagines the worst – that she doesn't look back to see that she is actually doing well.

Start dealing with fear by naming it

A lot of students come to me with fears, but don't actually talk about them with others. They are convinced they are the only ones with these problems and no one can help. Least of all their fellow students…

The first step in overcoming fears is naming them. Although it doesn't take away your problem, it makes them tangible and helps you to deal with them. I often invite students to write down their fears. What do you have doubts about, what holds you back? Then I challenge them to share with friends, with me or with their families. Shared sorrow is half sorrow; if you are not alone, you can put things into perspective more easily.

Why is it so hard to talk about your insecurities and fears?

As I see it, there are two types of learning: Primary, with your body, hands and emotions and secondary, with your head. Primary learning involves motor skills like building, falling face down in mud, climbing trees, crying, yelling etc. And then you have your secondary - cognitive - knowledge like mathematics and language. The latter is deemed by society as essential for our careers and so during school and studies, the main emphasis is on that. Moreover, our present daily life doesn't facilitate primary learning as often as it could either. We work more and more with our minds and less with our bodies. Tell me, who still repairs their bike themselves on a regular basis?

My point is: young people today have less opportunity to acquire that primary knowledge. As a result, you miss opportunities to be responsible for your actions, take care of your comfort, ask for help, express yourself physically and listen to your body's signals. As a result, you may freeze, get stuck, or not be understood by others. Language is only one aspect of communication; many other forms of expression we no longer learn and so we also fail to pick up on those signals in ourselves and others.

Listen to the signals of your body

Matthijs (Kool) and I are known as 'the Bert and Ernie of the study advisers'. We both did theatre training, are sociable, and we use that to dig deeper into the issues students are facing. We encourage interaction. 'Come forward', 'stand up if you agree', ‘let’s take a deep breath’, ‘you can cry or yell here, that’s a good sign’. We help our students to express themselves in different ways. During conversations, we challenge them to listen to their bodies and that works. “Where do you feel this anger? In your belly, in your nose?” Often, after one or two meetings, they feel powerful and take up challenges again.

You are the director of your own life

During presentations, we use a slide showing an ostrich with its head in the sand. The message? "You're going to run into things for sure. You will encounter problems. Maybe this is your first reaction, but I'm telling you now, that's not going to help you. Forget it". The funny part is that ostriches don’t actually stick their head in the ground like that.

Other slide: a guy with megaphone. “You are your own director! You are the one who makes or breaks your studies. You can point your finger, but there will be three fingers pointing back at you.” Be critical of your own actions. Ask yourself: What can I do to improve the situation? My favourite piece of wisdom to impart onto students is the realization that asking for help = strength.

Radical honesty

I am a big fan of radical honesty; I dare to be very direct and to the point, and I also challenge students to take a radically honest look at themselves. “What is it you really (really) want?” When you have the courage to be honest, uninhibited and unfiltered, suddenly 'boom' you get to the core. It is a great reward to see that the fire inside has been rekindled and the student feels powerful again.